This is ridiculous.

No, really.  It’s ridiculous.

Yesterday might have been one of the worst days I’ve had for a long, long time.  It was so bad that it actually became laughable at one point.  It was one of those days where information from various fronts hits you from all sides to rattle your world–so you have that to deal with–and once you’re sufficiently exhausted emotionally and mentally, you leave to go home and relax and unwind, except there’s no chance in hell that that’s going to happen. 

See, if you’re me, you order Pizza Hut pizza before you leave to head home so that it’s delivered when you get there.  You pack up your stuff, jump in your car, only to get a phone call that No No, no buffalo chicken sauce, no can do Lil’ Missy.  So you get your old stand by–mushroom and cheese.  Extra Cheese.  You arrive home, change into something somewhat comfortable so you can do some writing and work on your website that has gone on the blink and broken in 12 different places, and wait for your pizza.  Computer is on, things are moving along just swimmingly until…

“No Operating System Found”

I’m sorry… what?!  You were just working less than a minute ago, what do you mean “No Operating System Found?!”  Two bright, shiny spots in this horror of the week were @DjLunchbox and @ChachiAKA8Bit.  Without them, I might have had a melt down.  I still might have a melt down.  All of my work is, as it would seem, gone.  Poof.  Manuscripts.  Translations.  Research.  Gonzo.  Ka-blewie. 

In the middle of @DjLunchbox trying to fix the Blue Screen of Death issue, I got a knock at the door.  Turns out, the sewer line in the basement of my building exploded into the basement.  Whose line is it?  That’s right, you guessed it.  My downstairs neighbor and I share pipework, and as luck would have it, sewage was covering our side of the basement.  The landlord is supposed to be sending someone today to check it out, but we’ll see what happens.  If it’s a pipe problem in the walls, that’s going to seriously dampen my week.

So… No laptop.  No access to anything.  I’m calling my “guy” today to see if the hard drive (which he replaced last summer) is still under warranty.  It won’t save my stuff, but it’ll get me up and running again. Needless to say, things might be quiet here for a little until I hog-tie the universe again.

I could sleep for a week right now…

Tags: Updates, Why I could sleep for a week, WTF?! Wednesdays

Every once in a while, out of the blue, one of my senses goes on overdrive.  I don’t know if it’s PMS, or if it’s just life weighing on me, or if I’m just “in a mood,” but today my sense of hearing is out of control.  I don’t mean I have super hearing, or that I can detect radio frequencies.  No.  For whatever reason, certain sounds are pissing me off to no end, and it got me to thinking about the sounds that just piss me off in general.  It should come as no surprise to you that most (if not all) of these sounds are generated by other people.  You don’t have to agree.  It’s not going to change the fact that these things annoy me, and since this is my blog, you’re stuck hearing about it today.

1.  Constant, repetitious, overly-dramatic sighing, grunting, and groaning in a shared space:  SHUT…. UP…. Seriously.  I don’t care if that is your way of relieving stress, or calming down.  I don’t need to hear it, and every 6-8 minutes is well beyond the bounds of acceptable.  Go outside and do it, or internalize your frustration like the rest of us, okay?  Every time I hear it, especially today, I have to stop myself from reaching over and smacking your head off of your monitor.  Everyone gets frustrated but they don’t passively aggressively ram it down the throats of people around them.  Knock…it…off.

2.  Pouring Noises:  This might seem odd, but the sound of someone tipping a bottle of liquid over a glass and letting it GLUG-GLUG-GLUG out into the glass without taking the extra fraction of hand effort to allow it to pour out smoothly makes the hair on the back of my neck stand straight up.  HOW HARD IS IT TO POUR POLITELY?!

Other food related noises that give me violent urges: 

• Chewing (a.k.a. smacking loudly) with your mouth open.
• Scraping a fork across your teeth
• Scraping the plate with your knife and/or fork
• Slurping soup
• Opening candy wrappers in a movie theater during the movie (Helloooo… that’s what the 20 minutes of previews are for!!)
• Sucking the last bit of liquid from a cup with a straw

3.  “Quietly” biting into apples or chips in a silent room:   (Though food related, this deserves it’s own number) It’s not possible.  EVERYONE knows you’re trying to eat an apple or a handful of chips.  The fact that you sll…llooo…ooow…www…ww…ll…llyy…yyy crunch into the apple or chips only makes me angrier.  Just get it over with!!  We all know you’re eating!  For the love of god! And the fact that you are trying to hide it means you are aware of how utterly annoying it is! AGH!

4.  Heavy, laboured breathing:  I’m sorry, but if you’re sitting next to me and I can hear the air wheezing in and then wheezing back out of you, we’re going to have problems.  I know some people can’t help it.  I know some people aren’t aware of it.  Just be warned that if I ever turn to you and yell, “OH MY GOD STOP BREATHING… Just stop!  STOP BREATHING.” it’s because I sat there and tried to ignore it for a long, long time. 

5.  Heavy walking:  Again, I don’t know how people can’t tell they’re pounding around, making WAY too much noise when they walk, but it drives me batty.  There is no justifiable reason for a person to sound like an elephant when walking.  None.  I don’t care how heavy you are.  NONE.  Unless you are a cow, you shouldn’t sound like one.

6.  Speakerphones:  Is it that much of a strain for you to pick up the handset and dial?  Really?  Are you that lazy, that you can’t be bothered to actually hold the receiver while waiting to hear if the person on the other end picks up?  An entire room full of people doing this is enough to make someone cut phone lines.  On the same note, there is no reason for someone to be walking down the street and yelling into their phone while it’s on speakerphone.  None at all.  I can think of possibly two or three instances where using the speakerphone function on your cell phone is acceptable in public.  All of them involve an emergency or the phone being broken.   

7.  Pets getting into plastic bags:  The sound of a cat licking a plastic bag makes my skin crawl and makes me want to pull the hair out of my head.  Dogs sniffing plastic bags make me cringe just the same.  In fact, the rustling of plastic bags in any way makes me jump off of a chair faster than you can blink to snatch the bag away or shred it.

Tags: rants, WTF?! Wednesdays

Surprise, surprise… I’m not the only one with a rant!  I’ve had a number of folks contact me about wanting to contribute to a “WTF?! Wednesday” post, or to Reality 101 in general.  Some aren’t comfortable yet with broadcasting their names all over the internet (Can you believe that?  Someone uncomfortable with the thought of their name or information scattered all over the place… the nerve…), others want the lovely shield of anonymity (from?  Who knows… family, friends, colleagues… hell, people can be judgemental, ya know?), and even others just want to let loose and rant.  I say, “Have at it!”   (See the rules below)

With the Olympics having concluded this weekend, I know you’re all going through incredible withdrawl.  I’m finding myself waking up at crazy hours only to be incredibly frustrated when I can’t find some team competition on my television at 3:30 in the morning.  So I saved this guest rant for just this kind of occasion.  It was sent to me while I was away, but I haven’t had the prime opportunity to post it until now.  Here are….

Top Ten Reasons Why I  (A.k.a. Guest Olympic Blogger)  Hate Chris Collinsworth…..

#10.  It’s the Effin’ Olympics!  That has absolutely nothing to do with being a C-team WR on a crappy Bengals team!  For the love of god, it’s effin’ swimming!  At no time was Icky Woods wearing floaties…..
 
#9  Audience participation.  Dear Chris, I, on occasion, do watch the pieces that you do on TV in place of real news and I have one criticism…ok, that’s a lie, I have lot’s of criticism, but in the interest of #9, please stop trying to take part in these athletes’ work outs. We get it.  You used to play football.  Now you look like everyone’s uncle Eddie.  Stop trying to do sit-ups with T.O. and just tell the damn story!
 
#8  No, Tom Brady will not date you….now wipe off your chin.
 
 #7  Chris, I get the feeling that you think that you are Pat Summerall to Bob Costas’s  John Madden.  You are not worthy of holding Pat’s 1950’s-era kicking boot, even if you could go shot for shot with him on a bottle of Gin.

#6  Everytime I think of you, I also picture Bryant Gumble….and I throw up in my mouth a little.
 
#5  Jillian Barbery used to make you blush–why?  Just because you look like a mormon doesn’t mean you have to act like one.
 
#4  You have your own desk on NBC Sunday Night Football.  I guess this isn’t so much a crticism of you, Chris, as it is of NBC, but whenever you and Jerome Bettis are placed that close to each other I expect the Looney Toons theme to be playing in the background and you both to be wearing bike helmets “for your own safety”…
 
#3  Yes, again, I know, “you played for the Bengals”…. Also, on another note, “water is wet.”  I only mention that because both of those statments are about as equally useful during a football conversation.
 
#2  Because you and Bob just segued to Andrea Mitchell to talk about swimming….seriously.  $300 million for opening ceremonies and I get the half-time show staff…. I’m selling my GE stock now.
 
#1   According to Wikipedia your name is “Anthony Cris Collinsworth.”  You have two first names and you dropped an “h”…. and you wonder why Howie gave “swirlies” before every broadcast….really??

So there you have it boys and girls… the very first Guest Rant.  Leave your comments, share the love, and feel free to shoot your own my way!  They won’t always be posted on Wednesdays, but I thought this was a good way to kick it off.  Oh… and they don’t have to be in a 10 point count down format either.  Strangely, though, most of the ones I’ve received have been… Hmm.

More next time!

The Rules:  You can submit all you like, but if it’s over the line, inflamatory, derogatory, or makes me think of any “-ism,” it’s not likely to be posted.  Who decides?  That’d be me.  Edgy and in good humor is fine.  Offensive is not.  My site, my rules, comprende?  I may ask you to edit or tweak something  for clarity or because it’s a Monday (I am the harbinger of the Red Pen of Doom, after all…).  Who knows… Send them to my email and let’s get ranting! 

Tags: Guest Rant, WTF?! Wednesdays