For someone who loves game-shows, trivia, and puzzles, I sure do hate Wheel of Fortune.  It’s not just the campy nature of the hosts–I think a certain level of “Camp” is necessary for any game-show host.  It’s everything else.  You can divide the world into two kinds of people–Jeopardy! people and Wheel of Fortune people.  They don’t seem to be able to cross over, either.

Last night after Jeopardy! I got to doing some work, and just left my TV on, knowing that Wheel of Fortune would be next.  After watching, I realized two things.  1) I do not have the control it would take to be a host for that show, and 2)  I couldn’t be a contestant either.

One contestant won a Prize Puzzle and these usually end up being trips.  Fair enough.  The guy was bouncing out of his skin in anticipation to find out where he would be going.  When The announcer said, “You’re going to ICELAND!” The contestant reacted as though he had just won $1 million for life!  What?!  Really!?  This would have been my reaction:

Announcer:  “You’re going to ICELAND!”

Me:  “WOOOOO—Wait…. What?!  Did he just say…. Iceland?  That’s a joke, right? Iceland?  Really?  That’s all you could come up with?  No trip to London… no caribbean cruise?  Australia, even?  Can I just trade it in for the $8905 value instead and take a trip to Egypt?  Iceland??  Lame.”

And I just know that the look on my face would horrify Vanna.  Granted, I’m sure Iceland is beautiful.  I’m sure there are people somewhere that have the life goal of getting to Iceland.  I’m not one of them.  And this isn’t the first time I’ve seen prizes like this.  Wheel of Fortune promotes their prizes as being amazing, but sometimes they’re no better than the “His and Hers watches” you have to pretend to be excited about when winning on The Price is Right.  And the money you can win is, compared to the other game-shows out there, pretty low.  It hardly seems worth it, really.

And that’s not even the worst of it.  The contestants make my head want to explode.  They do realize that in order to buy a vowel, they have to buy a vowel, right?  The point of the game is to maximize your pot, not deplete it by buying every vowel in the alphabet!  And yet, for some reason completely foreign to me, contestants will go through every vowel at least once per show.  How hard is it to run through those vowels in your head while standing there?  It’s a puzzle.  That’s what you’re supposed to do.  There are far more consonants than vowels, and logic would state that you need to reduce those options first.  But hey… whatev.  It’s their money.

But what bothers me the most is just plain blatant ridiculousness.  Pat actually looked and sounded confused when none of the three contestants could figure out this puzzle on a toss up, and time ran out.  Here’s what the board looked like:

ROBIN REDBREA_ T

 One contestant didn’t respond, and two contestants guessed the wrong answer.  My favorite was “Robin Redbread.”  Give me a minute here… that still hurts to think about.  Where do they get these people?!  How does Pat not just throw down his cue cards and freak out when someone answers like that?!  “Robin Readbread??  Are you an idiot?! Where in your life have you ever heard that phrase? There is a D at the end of bread, not a T.  There is a T at the end of that puzzle!  Why would you… you know what… I can’t take it anymore.  I quit!”

Wheel of Fortune is the Kiddie Table of game-shows.   It doesn’t help that it has to follow Jeopardy! either.  Maybe that’s why I don’t like Wheel. To go from scouring your brain for facts and clever answers to “Robin Redbread” is just too much of a swing for me. 

Tags: Gameshows, Life

It’s strange how things have a way of coming full circle in my life.  It wasn’t but a few days ago that I was relating this story to a friend in an attempt to explain a feeling.  But then, I don’t believe in accidents or coincidence.

An Anecdote:

When Jane was in grade school, her mother had a dish exactly like the one pictured above.  It was a wedding gift.  Jane was fascinated by the item.  It was beautiful, and delicate, and she loved to play with it, even though Jane’s mother had warned her not to.  She went so far as to place the dove shaped dish on the mantle so Jane couldn’t reach it.  Eventually, Jane managed to develop a routine of climbing on furniture, balancing over the fireplace floor by clinging to the mantle, and taking the piece down to play with.  I don’t know how Jane ever got it back on the mantle, or if she did at all–that part isn’t important.  What was important was the feeling of absolute grief when, in one of Jane’s attempts to acquire the dish, it toppled from the mantle onto the fireplace floor below, breaking. 

Jane wasn’t upset because she was going to be in trouble for disobeying the rules, or for breaking something valuable.  She was devastated that she had broken something that had significant meaning for someone else–something that was a visual reminder of a memory, something tangible that represented a feeling or idea.  And she broke it.  Jane gathered up the pieces in her hands and through choking tears tried to put the pieces back together.  She was hysterical.

After her mom yelled because Jane disobeyed her, she must have realized how out of balance Jane’s tears were with the actual event.  She took the pieces from Jane’s hands and tried to calm her down. 

“It’s not too bad, hon.  It’s only a dish.  We can glue it back together.”

“But it’s not the same!  It’ll never be the same. It’s broken forever! I broke your memories! I can’t fix it! ”

Jane was inconsolable.  It wasn’t perfect, but after some delicate hands and careful attention Jane and her mother glued the pieces back together.  The dish showed only hairline cracks from where the pieces had separated, tiny lines that served as reminders that delicate things can be broken.  Jane’s mother kept that dish for years, and though she barely gave the dish any thought, every time Jane saw it, she felt a shadow of that afternoon.  It was a constant reminder that things can be broken and that once broken, will never be the same.

When Jane was older, she was walking through an antique shop and happened upon a dish exactly like the one she had broken so many years ago.  At first she felt that same wash of guilt come over her, but then quickly realized that this was her opportunity to make it right.  She called her mother right there from the store on her afternoon break.

“Mom, do you remember that Lennox dove dish?  The one I broke?”

“Yeah, why?”

“They have one here in the store, and it’s identical.  I’m going to get it so you can get rid of that broken one.”

“Jane, hon, don’t waste your money.  I don’t want that one.”

“But yours is all cracked, and broken. Wouldn’t you rather have one without so many flaws?  It’s perfect.”

“I’m not worried about that, Jane.  Yes, this one has cracks, and yes, it was broken once, but this is the one I was given.  This is the one you broke.  This is the one that we spent days putting back together, together.  You and I.  I know you still feel badly about breaking it, but you have to let that go.  It’ll never be perfect, but what is?  I cherish the one I have, and every one of those cracks reminds me that while that dish is whole again, it needs to be handled with care.  Because you broke it, I’ll never forget that, and I’ll handle it with delicate hands for as long as I have it. I don’t want a new one.  I want mine. Ours.”

I saw this exact dish today during my afternoon break, and I couldn’t help but think of this little… story.  Take it for what it’s worth, but Jane’s mother knew more about life than she did about Lennox dishes.

Write well.

Tags: Life

“Okay, do you understand?”

“….. Yes?…. Yes. I understand now.”

“Are you sure you understand?  You don’t have any questions?”

“I understand.  No, no questions.”

“Okay, because the last seven times I’ve shown you how to do this you’ve said the same thing…”

“No… I understand this time.  I think I just forgot last time.  Too much on my mind.”

“But you won’t forget this time, right?”

“Oh, I’ll remember.  I took notes this time.”

“Okay, great!”

~*two days later*~

“I don’t understand this….”

“But…….I just showed you how to do this two days ago….!”

“….. oh…. Really?!  I don’t remember seeing this before….”

“You don’t remember seeing…. I showed you eight times! Eight! We talked about this two days ago… I said, ‘Do you understand?” and you said “Yes!”"

“Oh… this is the same thing? You showed me how to do ~this~?”

“…. Yeah…. You took notes remember?”

“Oh, I remember now!  Yeah, those weren’t notes for this… I was making a grocery list.  Now why is this wrong again?”

And this is why I sometimes think I should hand out applications before interacting with people.  If the above conversation seems perfectly normal to you… I think you’re reading the wrong blog.  If that conversation caused your jaw muscles to clench too (even if just for a second, instinctively), then call me.  We need to take over the world.

“Do you want to form an alliance with me?”

Tags: Life, rants, society