Surprise, surprise… I’m not the only one with a rant! I’ve had a number of folks contact me about wanting to contribute to a “WTF?! Wednesday” post, or to Reality 101 in general. Some aren’t comfortable yet with broadcasting their names all over the internet (Can you believe that? Someone uncomfortable with the thought of their name or information scattered all over the place… the nerve…), others want the lovely shield of anonymity (from? Who knows… family, friends, colleagues… hell, people can be judgemental, ya know?), and even others just want to let loose and rant. I say, “Have at it!” (See the rules below)
With the Olympics having concluded this weekend, I know you’re all going through incredible withdrawl. I’m finding myself waking up at crazy hours only to be incredibly frustrated when I can’t find some team competition on my television at 3:30 in the morning. So I saved this guest rant for just this kind of occasion. It was sent to me while I was away, but I haven’t had the prime opportunity to post it until now. Here are….
Top Ten Reasons Why I (A.k.a. Guest Olympic Blogger) Hate Chris Collinsworth…..
#10. It’s the Effin’ Olympics! That has absolutely nothing to do with being a C-team WR on a crappy Bengals team! For the love of god, it’s effin’ swimming! At no time was Icky Woods wearing floaties…..
#9 Audience participation. Dear Chris, I, on occasion, do watch the pieces that you do on TV in place of real news and I have one criticism…ok, that’s a lie, I have lot’s of criticism, but in the interest of #9, please stop trying to take part in these athletes’ work outs. We get it. You used to play football. Now you look like everyone’s uncle Eddie. Stop trying to do sit-ups with T.O. and just tell the damn story!
#8 No, Tom Brady will not date you….now wipe off your chin.
#7 Chris, I get the feeling that you think that you are Pat Summerall to Bob Costas’s John Madden. You are not worthy of holding Pat’s 1950’s-era kicking boot, even if you could go shot for shot with him on a bottle of Gin.
#6 Everytime I think of you, I also picture Bryant Gumble….and I throw up in my mouth a little.
#5 Jillian Barbery used to make you blush–why? Just because you look like a mormon doesn’t mean you have to act like one.
#4 You have your own desk on NBC Sunday Night Football. I guess this isn’t so much a crticism of you, Chris, as it is of NBC, but whenever you and Jerome Bettis are placed that close to each other I expect the Looney Toons theme to be playing in the background and you both to be wearing bike helmets “for your own safety”…
#3 Yes, again, I know, “you played for the Bengals”…. Also, on another note, “water is wet.” I only mention that because both of those statments are about as equally useful during a football conversation.
#2 Because you and Bob just segued to Andrea Mitchell to talk about swimming….seriously. $300 million for opening ceremonies and I get the half-time show staff…. I’m selling my GE stock now.
#1 According to Wikipedia your name is “Anthony Cris Collinsworth.” You have two first names and you dropped an “h”…. and you wonder why Howie gave “swirlies” before every broadcast….really??
So there you have it boys and girls… the very first Guest Rant. Leave your comments, share the love, and feel free to shoot your own my way! They won’t always be posted on Wednesdays, but I thought this was a good way to kick it off. Oh… and they don’t have to be in a 10 point count down format either. Strangely, though, most of the ones I’ve received have been… Hmm.
More next time!
The Rules: You can submit all you like, but if it’s over the line, inflamatory, derogatory, or makes me think of any “-ism,” it’s not likely to be posted. Who decides? That’d be me. Edgy and in good humor is fine. Offensive is not. My site, my rules, comprende? I may ask you to edit or tweak something for clarity or because it’s a Monday (I am the harbinger of the Red Pen of Doom, after all…). Who knows… Send them to my email and let’s get ranting!