… What is “A place you don’t want to find yourself at night, Alex?”….

Here’s what I remember…

• Scraggly, old, skinny, sunburned monk leading me through
• A shadow-filled Gothic cathedral lit by tea-light 20’s spotlights and candles with mazes of side corridors and staircases lit by torches
• A baptismal font being used as a water fountain and waterfall for  a potted plant that was pampered because it had “consciousness”
• A stage within the cathedral adorned and built as though it were renovated to be used as a performance hall or vaudeville stage
• Balconies full of eager performers all dressed more or less from the 20s and 30s. (This is where it all turned very strangely Noir-ish)
• Two exaggerated caricature hosts/judges of an audition for a musical performance TV show or movie. They were picking audience members at random (Let’s Make A Deal style) to perform complex choreography and musical numbers on the spot, without preparation (causing quite a bit of anxiety).  Failures were met with Hulk sized bodyguards ushering them to the stage where they were beaten and tortured for the audience’s pleasure (and there were plenty of cheers and applause)
• An abusive “agent/boyfriend” of one performer in a Sam Spade hat and trench coat, and a seer sucker suit smoking and spinning a gun
• A performer in a red and black sequined costume with short black bobbed hair who was threatened by the boyfriend to be perfect when she was selected by the hosts to sing a solo
• A surreal moment of realization that the female performer couldn’t sing “the Cell Block Tango” because I hadn’t submitted permissions requests to use it in a dream sequence, and I hadn’t checked my budget for the dream to estimate copyright costs
• A Tarantino-style murder of the Abusive agent/boyfriend by the female performer (who was singing one line from the Chicago tune over and over — “He had it comin’…” (that’s all she could sing before I would have to pay to use the song)
• a Very graphic, bloody, and sound-rich pistol whipping of the boyfriend in the balcony by the female performer.  Blood splattered on the camera lens as it focused in on a shot of his wide brimmed hat splashed with blood
• Applause sign blinking, with three letters partially burned out
• All of this occurred as a musical with running music and every word sung Broadway style.

See what it’s like in my head when I’m asleep?  I usually have pretty lucid dreams, but this was just… bizarre.  I have a lot on my mind, so I’m not surprised that my dreams are becoming more and more …. odd.

I’m woefully behind on updates here, too.  I’ve been incredibly busy, and I have a number of things that I am aiming to post, and hopefully I’ll get to them this week, or this weekend.  If not, I’ll just pick up as usual and go from there. 

Here’s to hoping I can carve out some time!

January was full of suck.  There.  I said it.  It was full of unexpected deaths of family and friends, and full of travels both figurative and literal to pay homage to those lost.

It was full of nasty weather and illness.  Allergies and physical issues for humans and felines.

It was full of deadlines that seemed to play peek-a-bo with my calendar, appearing and disappearing, only to reappear just before the clock struck midnight for each.

It was full of anxiety and frustration.

And yet….

And yet, there were moments of brightness that helped draw hope from the wellspring of good faith and karma.  There have been some journeys that have reaffirmed what it means to be a part of a family and be in a relationship with a love, family, and friends.  Some soul searching and touch-point moments are best left to those who experience them, and I think that the entire month of January served that purpose for me.  One day I might be able to share fractions of those moments, but not yet.

This months NaBloPoMo topic is “Ties,” and though I can’t promise that I’ll be able to take on another challenge (the smoking cessation is going much better than the diet and exercise, though I have been able to count calories during the work week.  Weekends are harder), I plan to try. 

So think along with me, y’all… I already have some fun ideas for this month’s topic!

Oh…. and thank you.  For everything.

So I was supposed to start this massive new diet on Monday to prepare for my brother’s wedding.  Monday ended up being my “last day of decadence” and I planned to start Tuesday.  yesterday was almost successful (I guess?  Maybe?) but I could not resist the call of Girl Scout peanut Butter Cookies…. Vile Temptresses!  So I’ve had to rewind and do some thinking and evaluating,  and thus, I’ve come to a number of realizations:

1. I hate dieting.
2. I know nothing about dieting.
3. I have a difficult time telling the difference between bullshit claims and real “science.”
4. The only times I ever lost weight before were by accident, and it was a mix of severe stress, anxiety, and workaholism.  Oh, or having a hospital worthy illness.  I’m not particularly interested in reviving any of the above.
5. I did accidentally lose 20 lbs in undergrad by eating only soup… but that was far from intentional, and I’m not sure it would work again.
6. I am WAY LESS ACTIVE than I used to be.  Running between colleges to teach, sleeping 2-3 hours a night, and being a college athlete kept me pretty fit.  The last serious activity I had was YinzTeam softball, and I broke a bone.  Absurd.
7. I know I have to start exercising, but actually doing it is the problem.  I find it boring.  Like REALLY boring.  Can’t I just play a video game and have it shave off pounds?  Ahh… welcome back Wii Steve! (Maybe the Jillian Michaels Wii work out too? Anyone try this?)
8. I need advice from people who actually dieted and had success.
9. I do not want to give up butter.  I don’t think I can do it.  Sugar, I can cut way back on.  Butter? … Not a chance.  You can tell me to eliminate all butter from my diet, and I will nod and say “Ok” and within 48 hours (if that) I’ll be eating butter because I can’t resist. 
10. I’ve been hesitant to discuss this for a lot of reasons:  embarrassment, fear of family and friends judging me, admitting it openly means it’s really necessary, and just general “Oh wow, did you see Dawn gained some weight?” apprehensions.  Well, tough.  I need to buck up and do it, and if I’m going to do it, I need support from family and friends.  It’s SO much easier for me to rationalize not exercising, and not eating healthier if I’m the only one I would be accountable to.  I have a blog and connections to tons of friends, readers, and utter strangers…. why not use them for support & accountability?

So forgive me for volunteering you for this job, but how often do you have someone asking you to crack the whip?  Yeah, yeah, I know I should only care about my health, and being accountable to myself “because that’s what really matters,” but let’s face it folks… That’s just not me.  Yes, I want to wear my cute little bikinis again, but I’m a hermit at heart.   My cholesterol is still high (I’m assuming) and my waist line now puts me at a high risk for heart disease.  Considering my family history, I can’t afford to put this off any longer.  Not if I want to live a long, happy life with kids and a retirement on a beach somewhere. So I need some help, otherwise I’ll end up  burrowing in to a library and 20 years from now you’ll need to get me out with a  crane. 

What diet strategies have worked for you?  What has NOT worked?  What would you recommend for me?  I need to lose at least 20 pounds (max 30) in 9 months and lower my cholesterol.  I’m aiming to start Monday January 14th, full throttle.  I’m edging my way toward dieting, like slowly getting in to a cold pool.  I figure that i have 9 months, and if one thing doesn’t seem to be working, I have time for another strategy.  And, you know, if it doesn’t work, I can always get liposuction in October.  (I kid, I kid!  …. maybe)

The forum is yours folks, and all answers are welcome. 

**Day 1 completely cigarette free.**